the elevator pitch

Are we a greater threat than happiness? Sadly, yes.

Resolutions are like wars: You can choose to win a small battle (drop a waistline inch or two) or you can aim to take it all (go Schwarzenneger on your abs). At The Elevator Pitch, we go big or we go to the bar. That’s why our resolution for 2009 is to get ourselves mentioned on the biggest show on late night television that doesn’t appear on basic cable, doesn’t include a disclaimer about nudity and extreme violence, and isn’t hosted by Jon Stewart. The Colbert Report: we want you to want us to know that you know we exist.

It’s a blatant ploy to get rich. Stephen Colbert acknowledges our presence, you say what’s up with that, you come visit, you tell your friends to come visit, they tell their friends, and so on, until we can spin all that attention into credit default swaps and sell them to what’s left of Iceland.

We will not relent until The Colbert Report recognizes us as a threat, or friend of the show, or thing to put on notice, or just throws us a bone, and not necessarily the femur, either; we’ll take a knuckle or the cartilage about the ear. So, come on, Stephen, just four words: “The Elevator Pitch [and verb of your choice].”

At this time of the year, we hear how the giver of gifts is often the one who receives the greatest reward. That may turn out to be the case for Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper, who announced on Saturday a $4-billion (Cdn.) rescue package for his nation’s auto industry.

Critics have derided Harper for failing to do anything to stimulate Canada’s languishing economy. So severe were the attacks that Harper opted two weeks ago to shut down Parliament until January 26 in order to save his job. By working with Ontario, Canada’s most populous province and the one with the overwhelming majority of the nation’s auto-related jobs, Harper showed something he hasn’t during this crisis: leadership and political will to tackle the issue and to convince others to do so as well.

The federal government will contribute $2.7 billion in loans to General Motors and Chrysler subsidiaries based in Canada, and the Ontario provincial government will provide the remaining $1.3 billion. Ford said it doesn’t need a loan at this time, but did ask for a line of credit in the event that it requires quick access to cash.

“This is a huge problem that faces the Ontario economy and the Canadian economy by extension and it is critical that we work together,” Harper said.

The loan package follows the U.S. government’s announced $17.4-billion bailout of The Big Three. It also includes aid for consumers looking for loans and auto-parts suppliers. Harper has also insisted that GM and Chrysler remain committed to keeping plants in Canada, a move sure to win in the public relations arena.

When he needed it the most, Harper came through by acting in what he and many others believes is in the best interest of the Canadian economy. If the financial markets stabilize over the next month, he may be able to hang on to his job because of it.

With a Barack Obama victory an apparent given, the analysis of the U.S. presidential election will soon turn to how the 47-year-old junior senator from Illinois managed to become the most improbable leader of the nation. That is, of course, presuming he is victorious on Election Day this Tuesday.

The charge that the media is complicit in Obama’s victory is a fallacy. The truth is nothing has stuck to Obama because he and his campaign team have not let up on their astounding level of organization and diligence.

Down the stretch, there were no major screw-ups. Yes, Joe Biden opened his mouth before thinking carefully about what was going to come out of it and it’s true that Obama should have been less diplomatic and more assertive during his encounter with Joe the Plumber. But compared to the on-air gaffes of Sarah Palin, the “Meet the Press” debacle where John McCain couldn’t remember the name of George Schultz and the failure of Joe to show up for a campaign stop, Obama has looked impeccable.

Several weeks ago, we wrote that the candidate who wins the soundbite war will likely win the election. For all his eloquent speeches, Obama has not had a “free at last” or “ask what you can do for the country” moment. The phrase that defines him, it appears, is still to come. For now, we have the “Yes, we can” mantra, which doesn’t grow old simply because of the rising numbers that continue to utter it. And to prove he is a rock star he has managed to get his sychophants engaged in his speeches as if they were reciting the lyrics to a hit song. He says, “You don’t boo McCain, what do you do?” And they chant, “Vote.” (Who knew politics could be so cool?)

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Henry Paulson, U.S. treasury secretary, talks bailouts and economic woes.

The media are a fickle bunch.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we were consumed by the gaga over Sarah Palin. A week prior to that deluge of news surrounding the Republicans’ pick for vice president, we were inundated with coverage of presidential hopeful Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention. The price of oil dominated earlier in the summer and the housing collapse in the spring.

It’s been a year where news and potential newsmakers can slip through the lens with ease. When there’s big news, the mainstream media provides saturation coverage. That means TV, print media and talk radio will spotlight one topic because market research has shown viewers and readers are more likely to stay interested if the focus remains on the news of the day.

Producers and editors will exhaust all angles before providing “space” to other subjects. If you’ve ever wondered why the media fixates on a particular topic, now you know. However, if you’re trying to gain attention, you must understand how to get noticed by an industry that can suffer such tunnel vision.

This week, the $700-billion government package that aims to bring calm to the global stock markets will be at the forefront on Monday and Tuesday before giving way to the frenzy of anticipation surrounding Friday’s presidential debate between Obama and John McCain.

If you wanted to get a message out this week, some public relations firms might facetiously tell you good luck. Unfortunately, that’s an approach of surrender and business leaders don’t succeed by giving up.

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What do you do when a century’s worth of success is threatened by one atrocious incident? If you’re Maple Leaf Foods, then you stand up and take responsibility and you do it with sincerity and humility.

The Canadian producer of meat products reacted swiftly during the weekend after its Toronto plant was blamed for the outbreak of listeriosis that health officials say caused the death of six people. Maple Leaf Foods produced a television commercial featuring CEO Michael McCain sitting on a couch, hands cupped, speaking straight into the camera and apologizing to Canadians whose consumer support made his company the nation’s largest meat processor.

The response was hailed by at least one analyst, who predicted the company will rebound. “I think that as they’ve acted extremely responsibly, after a short while the consumers will forget about it. … They’ve got a very short memory,” John Winter of John Winter and Associates told the Canadian Press on Monday.

Maple Leaf Foods saw its share price drop for five consecutive days following news of the outbreak and it’s sure to face a lawsuit from at least some of the more than 300 victims who have been stung by the case of severe food poisoning. The situation may not be over yet, although the company reports it has thoroughly sanitized the culprit facility. The families of the listeria victims who lost their lives have yet to speak out and when they do the public relations’ chore will intensify. But for now PR professionals and business analysts can evaluate the company’s response to its troubles and acknowledge the effectiveness of its response.

Crisis communications isn’t something to shy away from. It’s like life insurance: you may not want to think about the worst-case scenario but you better prepare for it nonetheless.